When You Don't Know What To Pray

When you don’t know what to pray…

When you feel like you can’t pray…

Be Still

Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! Psalm 46:10

Rest

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29

Accept Peace

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

Trust

The Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. Romans 8:26

Indescribable

A slice of Heaven.

I don’t know where the phrase came from. But I know what it means.

Those times, those places, where heaven—the perfect—touches the imperfect of our earthly experience. The thin places between Heaven and Earth, life imagined and life known. 

The wondrous. A unique, forever moment in time, joyful or broken, with a special friend.

The magical. The birth of your child, and the first time you held that precious gift of life in your arms.

The awesome. Trading the script of your past for a divinely ordained life of trusting Christ.

The holy. A worship experience when God spoke to you in a unique and revelatory way.

The majestic. A place of otherworldly beauty that arrests your attention and points you to Glory.

As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to walk among the big trees along the Pacific Coast. Two weeks ago, by God’s gracious provision, alongside with my amazing wife, I was able to hike four and half hours among the giants of Big Basin Redwoods State Park an hour south of San Francisco.

Big Basin is California’s oldest state park, established in 1902, and the largest stand of old growth redwoods nearby San Francisco, our destination for a conference for my wife. There are trees over 2000 years old. There are trees more than 300 feet tall. There are 80 miles of trails full of wonder.

We did an out and back hike over a four mile trail. Nary a soul we saw over our eight miles. Me, my bride, my God, His creation. It was awesome.

Words. Pictures. Can’t describe. I walked in wide-eyed, open-mouth wonder. Wonder. Awe. Joy. Humbled by the immensity of my environment. Enjoying the company of my precious wife. Blessed to experience such rapture together. 

About half way back a phrase came to mind. That phrase, from Scripture, as Paul quotes Isaiah 64:4 while describing the wisdom of the Holy Spirit: 

However, as it is written, “No eye has seen, nor ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God God has prepared for those who love Him,”—1 Corinthians 2:9

Reveling in God’s blessing us to be in that thin place, I remembered those words as I thought, “Describing this place to someone who has never been here is like me trying to understand Heaven. It’s so wholly other that words and pictures can’t even come close.” And then, later, I read the next verse:

But God has revealed it to us by His Spirit.—1 Corinthians 2:10 

God placed eternity in our hearts. He gives us the desire for wonder and awe. He creates wonderful and awesome places and experiences. He does it all to bring Himself glory. He does it in order that we might long for Him, and long for a place that is better than where we are.

We might, by His majesty or through His Spirit, taste a slice of Heaven now. But what is to come is so much...

It’s indescribable. 

Photos taken by the author in Big Basin, 9/11/13. 

Heavenborn: Hope & Healing in Stillbirth

100 white balloons lift effortlessly into a cloudless Nebraska sky. Words and images  Prayers and greetings. Imprinted with love. Floating heavenward.

Happy First Birthday, Evan. Happy Heavenborn Birthday!

Heartache and joy. Pain and hope. Memories of what was on Earth. Expectations of what will be in Eternity. Mingle together as with the balloon’s flight. 

Stillborn is the common term. It refers to the intrauterine death and delivery of babies beyond 20 weeks gestation. Still births are more common than we think. One in 160 pregnancies in the United States end in stillbirth.

Every one of us will know someone with a stillborn child. Such a tragic loss can be especially painful each Christmas season as it is with every birthday that passes. As Christ followers, how do we make sense of such tragedy? How do we talk about it? How can the Bible guide us? 

Like A Dream

A year ago we awaited his arrival. James and Liz had everything ready. Their firstborn, a son, would be welcomed into a loving household prepared in every way for his arrival. They were the first couple whose wedding ceremony I officiated here in Nebraska. James, a gentle giant of a man, and Liz, a super organized school teacher, are both so loving and kind. And we all quietly wondered, like most folks do of newlyweds, “When will they have their first baby?”

One day there was a twinkle in their eyes. They had special news to share. Pregnant! We rejoiced at the news of little one who would soon be named Evan James.

Liz was at her best through pregnancy. Joyful in spirit. Active in preparation. Well read and studied up for all that lay ahead. Evan was developing well. Everything seemed perfect as she approached her due date. A weekly doctor’s appointment confirmed all was well.

And then it wasn’t.  

Evan wasn’t moving. She had just had her 40 week appointment the day before. Liz told herself not to worry. But later she returned to her doctor. He had always been so quick in finding Evan’s heartbeat. As with all mothers, that rapid swooshy sound brings joy and hope. 

And then it didn’t.

Sadness. Shock. Denial. Guilt. Liz was thinking, “What could I have done differently?” As the medical staff was asking, “Do you want to call your husband?,” and directing, “You’ve got to get to the hospital.” And then. The worst words of all. “The baby is dead.”

It felt like a dream. Instantly shattered.

Friends and family gathered at the hospital. We cried. And prayed. Grieved. We questioned. And waited. Evan’s body had to be delivered on Earth though his spirit had already arrived in Heaven.

Stillborn is the medical term. Not a bad word. A euphemistic attempt at mercy in the face of heartache. It is a term with temporal and physical limits. It sounds like the end. It feels hopeless. We needed a word that would strengthen our faith in God. A word that would remind us of our eternal hope in Heaven. God gave us a new word, “heavenborn.”

Welcomed Into Heaven

In The Spiritual Condition of Infants, theologian Adam Harwood declares, “Infants are sin-stained, not guilty. Infants are not sinless because they inherit a sinful nature. But infants are not guilty because God judges our thoughts, attitudes, and actions, not our nature.” This is why we can state theologically and practically that infants are not merely stillborn, but that they are truly heavenborn. God judges sin. Infants have not sinned. Therefore, infants who die enter into eternity in Heaven the instant they pass from this life. John MacArthur concurs in stating, “‘Instant Heaven’ truly is the destiny of infants and children,” in his thorough work, Safe in the Arms of God. What a comfort!

Job, Solomon, and David concur: Children go to Heaven. In 2 Samuel 12:23, David said of his infant son who died, “Can I bring him back again? I'll go to him, but he will never return to me." David, a man after God’s own heart and destined for heaven, knew he would meet his son there. And if you need another example, look no further than the lap of our Lord Jesus. He was embraced by children because he loved children. Jesus used little children as analogy for the life of a person destined for eternal glory (Matthew 18:1-6, 10) because the subject of the analogy, little children, do go to Heaven.

Creation is fallen. Sin-stained as Harwood writes. And the results of Original Sin are not only spiritual, but physical. Sickness, disease, death, and natural disasters have their roots in creation’s fallenness. Stillborn babies, no matter the cause of their death, are one more tragic result. Romans 8:18-25 explains this to us. Verse 21 states, “That the creation itself will also be set free from the bondage of corruption into the glorious freedom of God's children.” I do not think it a coincidence that a passage about the griefs of this world goes on in verses 24-25 to talk about hope in the ultimate destination of Christ followers, Heaven. And don’t miss the remainder of Romans 8 with it’s encouragement for prayer in life’s most difficult times and it’s assurance of God’s great love for us. He is with us. No matter what. 

We have full confidence through our Loving, Sovereign God in the reality that infants who pass from this life are instantly welcomed into Heaven. Such loss hurts. Such promise helps.

Gifted Through Tragedy

In those days between birth and letting go of Evan’s earthly body we learned a new phrase from a wonderful, Christ following nurse: The gifts of Evan. She talked about how his life did matter. How he changed us all. And how he gave gifts to each one of us. Through Evan we learned more about God, ourselves, and one another.

The Gifts of Evan became the refrain of my sermon at his heavenborn memorial service. 1 Corinthians 13:13 declares, “Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 

Faith in God is Evan’s first gift.Our faith in the Sovereign, loving God of all creation increased through this tragedy. That’s the miracle of faith. It’s a gift of God. Supernatural and so gracious to strengthen in weakness. We know it is impossible to please God without faith (Hebrews 11:6). We know the righteous live by faith (Romans 1:17). We know that. And we know that God ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). But how is stillbirth somehow part of God’s plan. Think about the state of heavenborn children: they are perfect in every way; the will never have a selfish thought; never hear an unkind word; never know the pain or cruelty of this world; they are free. The God who knit us together in our mother’s wombs knows everything about us before it comes to be (Psalm 139:13-18). His ways are perfect. He is love. We can trust God. Even when we don’t understand. That’s why it’s called faith.

Hope in Heaven is another gift of Evan.Our growing, intimate faith in God gives shape to our live now. And forever. You may feel no greater hope for eternity and the sinless, painless perfection it promises than when you walk through a stillbirth. Biblical hope is not wishful thinking, yearning, dreaming or optimism. It is real (Ephesians 1:18-19). And it’s a gift from God that brings confident, unshakable trust in His faithfulness to keep His promises. Real hope is a byproduct of a real, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. In the midst of his own mess Nehemiah 8:10 says, “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” That's not a shallow, circumstantial happiness, but a deep abiding joy, assured in faith, offering hope. Biblical hope makes life worth living in spite of—because of—tragedy. 

Love in Life is one more gift Evan gave. Loss, especially the heavenborn type, should drive us deeper into the arms of Jesus and closer to one another. Psalm 34:18 promises, “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit.” Stillbirth is heart breaking and spirit crushing. Know that God is near. In the midst of personal pain, Paul recounts the message of God, 2 Corinthians 12:9 that, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” It seems cruel, but it is true. God uses pain to break through our sinful self-sufficiency. Why? Because he loves us (John 3:16). He commands us to love one another (John 13:34). God uses tragedy, even heavenborn children, to grow our love for Him and others. 

What gifts have you been given through a heavenborn experience? Take time to thank our Heavenly Father for those gifts. Consider how your life is eternally changed as you await that joyful heavenly reunion.

Just because you are a Christ follower, it doesn’t mean the loss of a heavenborn child will hurt any less. It does mean that God comforts us by the Holy Spirit and through other believers. Psalm 23 assures that God is with us when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Through. You will make it through. With Sovereign, Loving God. With loving family and friends. And this psalm promises all touched by stillborn loss, “As you walk through life and pain, do not fear, your baby is heavenborn in perfection waiting for you.” 

Heavenborn. There is healing in that word.  And that word is another one of Evan’s gifts.

Postscript

Evan was heavenborn two year ago today on August 12, 2011. His precious, earthly body was delivered the next day. Liz, James, and Evan are not pseudonyms, but real, courageous Christ followers. You can read Liz’s own words at waitingwithhopefaithlove.blogspot.com. Liz and James are expecting their second child in November 2013.

This post was originally commissed as an article for the January 2012 HomeLife magazine. Don't miss the related Being There for the Parents of a Heavenborn Child post for suggestions of walking through stillbirth with loved ones.

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Being There for the Parents of a Heavenborn Child

Trusting the eternal promises of God’s Word, the Bible, assures our hearts and minds. But there is still so much processing of pain and healing of heart to occur.

What our world calls stillborn, we call heavenborn. There is hope in that word: heavenborn. Yet that hope is just a small part of the support we need. We need loving folks to walk through that dark valley with us. How can we do that?

Be open. Unless you have been through stillbirth, it is hard to imagine how you will feel. The type of emotions do not matter—whether anger or sadness, fear or faith—the honest expression of those emotions does matter. When we name our feelings for what they are, we are one step closer to handling them when we can. Everyone will process differently. However, God created us for relationships, with Him and others, that we might process together. Give yourself, and others, permission to be honest.

Be present. You may not know what to say. Be honest about that. You do not need to know what to say. You do need to be there. Even if silent. Even if crying and praying privately, but saying little out loud. You can be Christ incarnate for the broken family. While you are present, be sure to ask the grieving parents what they want. Don’t assume. Take your cues from them as to what to say or do. Talk and listen at their pace. Be there. Presence is powerful.

Be discerning. Grief is uncomfortable. Many times when you want to make a grieving person feel better you say things that should be avoided. Unwise examples include: “God needed your baby more than you;” “It just wasn’t meant to be;” “God knows best;” “You must have sinned and are being judged.” Not only are comments like this hurtful, they are unbiblical or even sinful. If you do not know what to say, then say so. 

Be thoughtful. Parents have suffered an insufferable tragedy. They won’t forget. Be sure you don’t either. Every parent is different in their level and style of expressing emotion. Knowing that, find the best way to continue to bring up the baby and grieving in the months and years ahead. Don’t go on like the baby never lived. Acknowledge the child’s life as often as possible. Assist the parents along the way to healing. Pain can’t be buried, it must be processed. Keep talking.

Be available. Find an emotionally safe way to be together and talk. Talk about the hopes, dreams, and experiences of pregnancy. Talk about grief, remembering, and healing in loss. An event like Evan’s First Heavenborn Birthday Party does that. When you recognize tragedy, you can work toward healing. When you marginalize it, you get stuck in sorrow. Provide people the emotional space to connect and express themselves.

Be inquisitive. Whether heavenborn due to known or unknown medical reason, we are destined to ask, “why?” Why is not a bad question. It is not wrong to ask why. We should ask why. God is big enough for any why we ask. He will answer. Yet His answer may not come as we’d like. Somewhere along the grieving process, however, we need to change questions to, “what?” Trusting God, we should ask, “What would you have me learn through this?”

Be supportive. Parents of a heavenborn need supportive people to walk through the valley with them. If you are family or friend, then you can be that support. You don’t need special training. Pray. Ask God for help. Read your Bible. Find God’s words. Follow the lead of the Holy Spirit. Go at the pace of the parents. Move ahead toward healing together.

Postscript. This post is intended to be an informative, how-to complement to the related post, Heavenborn, that explains the genesis of the word heavenborn while recounting the gifts of Evan and his amazing parents, Liz and James. Heavenborn appears just above this post in my blog order.

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The Power of Praying Women

Having a vision of a Macedonian begging him to come over and help us, Paul and his missionary band set out across the sea. Notice the powerful influence of women in prayer and one woman’s response.

11 Then, setting sail from Troas, we ran a straight course to Samothrace, the next day to Neapolis, 12 and from there to Philippi, a Roman colony, which is a leading city of that district of Macedonia. We stayed in that city for a number of days. 13 On the Sabbath day we went outside the city gate by the river, where we thought there was a place of prayer. We sat down and spoke to the women gathered there. 14 A woman named Lydia, a dealer in purple cloth from the city of Thyatira, who worshiped God, was listening. The Lord opened her heart to pay attention to what was spoken by Paul. 15 After she and her household were baptized, she urged us, “If you consider me a believer in the Lord, come and stay at my house.” And she persuaded us.—Acts 16:11-15

Many women in prayer opened the way for the Gospel. These ladies were meeting before Paula and Company even had the vision. God was at work within them, before he even called Paul. We can learn from both parties. From Paul: Be responsive to the Holy Spirit’s leading even if it comes in an unconventional way. From the women of Philippi: Be faithful in prayer; God will answer.  

How is my faith?

How is my prayer life?

One women in worship responded to the Gospel. Lydia is described as worshipper of God, yet she did not yet have saving faith through Jesus Christ. In her faithful worship, God revealed Himself to her. We learn God calls all people to Himself. We learn to persist in prayer. 

How consistently do I pray?

How am I open to God through worship?

That woman of influence shared the Gospel. Lydia, apparently, when straight home and shared her new, saving faith in Jesus with her whole household. The Greek word is oikos, that means family, friends, employees—her sphere of influence. 

Who is my oikos?

How am I sharing Jesus with them? 

That woman of hospitality cared for the Gospel messengers. Not only did Lydia share her faith with her entire household, she shared all that she had in her household with Paul’s missionary band. She exercised hospitality.  As a brand new Christian, she extended Christian love. 

Where can I be more gracious?

Who can I show hospitality to?

Women change the world. Prayerful, worshipful, influential, hospitable. Powerful. These Philippian women in general and Lydia in specific loved God and others. Powerful.